The importance of properly vetting an armor bearer

You saw another pastor or pastor's wife with an armor bearer and became convinced you needed one asap. When you see it working with another leader like it's supposed to, it's so appealing. Really, when it's operating correctly, who wouldn't want this arrangement?

You think of everyone surrounding you who might be suitable for this role, then you select a person and get them in place as soon as possible.  You might have even jumped at the chance when someone walked into your church and said, "I just want to share with you that my calling is that of an armor bearer." That was music to your ears, and you thought, "oh my gosh, I can't believe this!!  It's just what I've been praying for! God is so good!" You probably even told people that the answer to your prayers had come.

The problem is, they weren't properly vetted.  You just saw the load that having an armor bearer lifted from a colleague and you thought, "I need this...immediately." And you pushed forward full steam ahead.

Trust me when I say, and this is no exaggeration, that you need to make sure your armor bearer is vetted more than the candidates for president of the United States. (Isn't kingdom business as important?)

So they aren't tested properly. In time things go awry.  It's painful. If you do have the courage to share with other pastors or pastor's wives who have been through it, they give you the advice, "if this doesn't kill you it will make you stronger." They don't have any words to share that make the pain go away fast, but at least you know you're not alone.

It's a scenario repeated countless times by more leaders than even publicly talk about it. The situations are so excruciating some don't even speak of it. They just suffer in silence and swear to God they'll never be in the same position again.

I don't speak of this from some high and lofty place of expertise. I speak as a person who is still alive and stronger for it.

I've also been around long enough to know that sometimes someone is vetted properly and it still goes south! There are no guarantees.

Here's the bottom line...you do need prayer coverage. You need it now. That can't wait. But you can survive without an armor bearer, until one has been fully proven. It is not a requirement to have one, but it is a blessing.

One of the main things about a true intercessor is that if they're real they don't need to know all the details. They can pray without knowing everything, and do it quite effectively. They also don't have to be physically with you to do that. (Meaning, they don't have to be someone in your church.)

Prayer warriors are easier to find than armor bearers. Find an intercessor first.  Let an armor bearer come later. Test the intercessor(s) as well. If you find that they are pressing on you for details, you know they aren't one to be entrusted.  If someone is really in tune with God and a prayer warrior, "details" are never the important thing to them. They can pray in the spirit and cover it all! (Be very wary of a person who says, "I just need you to tell me more details of what's going on behind the scenes so I can pray for you more effectively." That's a BIG red flag!)

Ask your intercessor(s) to pray for wisdom and discernment. This is a general request but will cover you as you pray about who might be suitable for the role of armor bearer in the future.

Once you feel led of the spirit as to who God might have for you in this role, do a lot of training in the beginning as far as having them read the books Armor Bearer I and II by Terry Nance and In the Spirit of Armor Bearing Earma Brown.  Share with them about the biblical model of an armor bearer and test the waters to see if they are in line with that. If you are sensing that they are iffy, just gently back off. No need to get upset or angry or feel defeated. Consider this...what is God protecting you from?  Continue praying that God will bring someone who understands biblical armor bearing.

Proceed with care. What's the rush? 

If what you saw with another pastor and their armor bearer was real, it was not arrived at overnight and was time tested.   

Delay is better than disaster.

Time is your friend when it comes to making a decision.

There is no Golden Corral version of an armor bearer

Today I'm starting a series on armor bearers.  I know there is great material out there about how to be an armor bearer.  Many if not most of us have read Terry Nance's Armor Bearer I and II and they are really considered to be the "Bible" of armor bearing books beside the Bible itself.  I highly recommend these two books, and one of our PPN writers, Pastor Ronnelle Thomas-Brunswick, recommends In the Spirit of Armorbearing by Earma Brown.

But not a lot if anything is written for the pastor on how to find or select an armor bearer.

I'm asked about this a lot. It seems to be a common concern among pastors and their spouses. I am a fellow traveler on this journey and have had my share of experiences good and bad. While I don't have all the answers, I do know a few things and am going to share them in the next few posts here on PPN. I've invited our writers to share as well.

I began by asking each one of our writers this question: "If you had to boil it down to just ONE WORD that you need MOST from an armor bearer, if you only had to choose the MOST IMPORTANT thing - the TOP quality, what would it be?"  Here are the answers I got:

Melissa Kelly: Loyalty
Lisa Alexander: Stability
Jessica Smith: Called
Tara Sloan: Loyalty
Ronnelle Thomas-Brunswick: Consistency
Tracy Peters: Dependability
Leanne Weber: Proactive

I join Melissa and Tara in that my top quality is loyalty.

As we begin this series, one thing I want to point out is that there is no Golden Corral version of an armor bearer. What do I mean by this? At a buffet, people pick and choose what they want. You could go to Golden Corral and eat nothing but fried chicken. You could skip the steak, the potatoes, the salad, the dessert and everything else. You could just eat cheese if you wanted. Some people treat spiritual things like buffets. They pick and choose what they want. 

Some people set out to be an armor bearer and think they are going to create the role for themselves rather than follow what the Bible clearly says.

Being an armor bearer is not like being at a buffet. You don't get to pick and choose what you want.   A true armor bearer possesses all the essential biblical qualities, not just the ones they feel like having.  

A true [emphasis on true] armor bearer doesn't have the choice to decide that they are going to be proactive, but not loyal. They can't wake up and say, "well, today I really feel like being loyal but I don't know about dependable." Well, they CAN, but then they wouldn't really be an armor bearer, so what's the point of that?

Here's what some of our writers had to say in addition:

Lisa says, "I need them to be stable in the faith, stable in their emotions, stable in their personal life. No more doubleminded folk who are unstable in all of their ways."

Melissa says,  "Loyalty!!! Is is huge for me as well as Sean. Also trustworthy! Not going to spread gossip as "prayer requests".


Jessica says: "It's not enough to be trained or equipped, they need to have a connection to God and to you...in a way, called to you in the relationship. Nothing is worse than having an armor bearer who is equipped but does not click with your personality or vision."

And finally, Leanne says,  "Proactive; anticipating what needs to be done and willing to do it." 

In summary on this point, there is a checklist of the biblical qualities for an armor bearer. Most of us pastors are aware of those qualities. (And if you aren't I highly recommend Nance's book which covers them all extensively out of both the Old/New Testaments.)

Our problem comes in that we often bring people alongside us who only possess the qualities of their choice. We take someone who doesn't agree with all of the standards of biblical armor bearing  because we don't know what else to do.

When someone says, "I'll give you steak, cheese and dessert, but not potatoes..." we go, "okay, well I guess steak, cheese, and dessert it is..."

I probably don't have to tell any of you reading this what comes next when we do that. If you have been in ministry any length of time you know exactly where that ends up.

I have some thoughts on that to share in the next post.

In Him

Hello Ladies,

So I have been waiting to write this short note until God released me to do so. When I share, it is out of my own heart, experiences, and relationship with God. So here it is, I lay it out on the line for all of you to read. My first post for the Pastoring Partners network. A special thanks to Pastor Deanna Shrodes!!

So you may have noticed the title of this note is “In Him”. This all started a few weeks ago, while on my way to work in my white mini-van. I have noticed that God speaks to me when I am driving, so its always interesting. So am driving along, minding my own business thinking of my checklist of things to do when I get to the office. “Open door for meeting, order supplies from Sam’s, e-mail clients,….” I had stopped at a stop light, and out of no where this little red beetle lands on my windshield. “Huh, that’s a weird looking bug.” So I speed up after the light changes green, and that little bug hangs on for dear life. I went from 30, to 40, to 50 miles per hour.

The little beetle just hanging out enjoying the ride. “Hey lady, thanks for the ride. I just wanted to rest for a while.” This little guy hung on, as I sped up to 55 miles per hour, he started looking kind of nervous. “What’s going on here? Why is this thing rocking?” The wind starting blowing pretty hard from the North, as a cold front was coming through, and with it dreary rain, fog, and cold. The little bug decided it would continue to push through the rain, wind, and fog. It was then the Holy Spirit said, “Watch.” I did what I was told. The little beetle clung to the window with all six legs, then slowly, five legs, four legs, three legs, then two. The last two legs, it looked like he was clinging to the end of air-plane not wanting to go sky-diving.

All it took was one more gust of wind to whip him into the foggy air. No longer was little beetle apart of my ride to work. It was kind of sad, that moment, my friend leaving in the middle of the storm. The rest of the way, the Holy Spirit spoke to me several things.

First of all, Acts 17:28 states, “For in Him we live, and move, and have our being…” The little beetle was a picture of how I have tried to handle the storms of life. At times its easy to cling to another’s victory or relationship with God, or follow a path that offers some comfort. The little bug clung to what was easy, familiar, and yet it was the most unsafe place for him to be. I was inside my van, safe from the storm, at peace, warm, and knowing where I was going. When we are in Him, even during the storms and struggles we may face, He is in us guiding us, keeping us safe. There were times that Jesus calmed the storm, made a way in the river, and even slept. How much more do we have that same power and peace accessible to us.

Secondly, we have the choice daily to enter into His presence before our journey begins. There is no special formula for this, but just speaking to the Father the thoughts of your heart and mind. Giving Him your day any part of the day not out of obligation, but relationship is key to living in Him, and not in the Storm.

Lastly, 1st Thessalonians 5:18 shares, “Give thanks to God in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” When life’s circumstances do not look how you expect it to be, and God’s Word doesn’t match the facts of your life, it is STILL God’s will for you to be at peace in Him, and to be thankful. This kind of thankfulness is not based out of our own emotions or feelings, but the very fact and truth of WHO God is in your moment. Our joy comes from the Lord, and this Joy (Jesus) is our strength. The joy of the Lord is our strength. So we can thank Him, love Him, live in Him, while He directs our path.

So dear ones, it is my desire for you all to be challenged during this Holiday season to push through the storms, circumstances, and emotions and be in Him, as He is in us..

Blessings,

Jessica Smith

He Never Lets Go!

Seasons are changing and there are some very beautiful sights to see and the smell of fall is in the air.  We are all in different seasons of ministry here on PPN and some of us are walking through some storms, struggles and hurts that are mending others are celebrating victories they are seeing in their ministries.  Either way we all need the reassurance that God is with us.  Over the weekend the Lord spoke to me about where He is when we are hurting and I shared this on my personal blog  but instead of making you have to follow the link I have reposted my post here for you to read.  I pray it ministers to your hearts today!

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Yesterday during our worship service we sang “Never Let Go.”  Here are a few of the chorus lyrics in case you are not sure what I am talking about…

“Ever faithful, Ever true, You I know You never let go, 

You never let go, You never let go, You never let go”

We have sung this song a few times before but this time was different.  You see during the weekend a brother in Christ lost his battle with cancer but won the victory over death as he entered through the pearly gates of heaven.  While we were singing the Lord was speaking to my heart.  In times of great strife, storms, illness, and the death of loved ones we often times question where is God?  Why has He left us?  Why has He allowed this to happen?  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that He is right there with us during those tough times.

   You see God NEVER lets us go.  Once we accept Him as our Savior He grabs a hold of us and refuses to let go.  What the Lord was showing me yesterday is that it is during those times of storms that He holds on to us even tighter. When we are questioning where He is, He is there holding onto us with all of his might.  In the case of this dear brother in Christ, the Lord showed me that God was there with him, holding on so tight that when the pain he was in was too much to bare Jesus said, “That’s enough, it’s time to come home,”  removing him from the pain and the disease, holding him tightly, never letting him go. 

  If you are hurting today, struggling with “where are you God” in the midst of your storm know this…

God is there! He hasn’t left your side! He will NEVER let you go, in fact in the midst of your storm He is there holding you tighter than ever before!  God’s word promises us, “For the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6b

In His Grip,

My Restlessness

“Our hearts are meant to be connected to the Creator of our souls, when they are not we are restless. Augustine of Hippo said, ‘You have made us for yourself, o Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you’” (p. 25, Beautifully Gifted, Angela Bisignano, 2011).

New Year’s Day we went around the sanctuary of the church, and each one of us pulled a scripture from the “Promise Box”. This was to be your verse for the coming year, and we all committed to pray the verse, and ask God to reveal Himself through it. The verse I pulled was Ex. 33:14, “The LORD replied, ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Five weeks later we were asked to resign.

My verse has been plaguing me ever since. Nothing about this year has been restful—from losing our job and ministry, moving to another county, joining another church, beginning my secular job—everything seems to be another level of pain and despair, not rest with one loss after another. I have felt like my heart has been a constant place of turmoil.

As I began reading Beautifully Gifted, I wondered, “Is this the piece of the puzzle that I’ve been missing?”

Throughout this whole season, I have continued to seek God, worship God and study His Word, albeit in a much different form. My heart has been hurt. I feel embarrassed to say that He has hurt my feelings. I didn’t have any desire to be a Job—I wasn’t looking to have a book written about me, or have my life used in deep theological debates about the love and provision of God toward those who follow Him. But here we are. And even typing those words out seems to be a pompous, conceited thing. Who am I, in the big scheme of Kingdom thinking, to even imagine that I would be considered a Job?

I keep hearing that we give too much credit to the enemy, and that many more times than not, we are not under attack from the Satan, we are reaping the harvest of our own stupidity. While I agree with that thought to a point, but when we are following the commands listed in the Word to tithe, to be merciful, to love and forgive, and everything is still going south, isn’t it safe to think that the enemy has something to do with it?

I have repeatedly asked God to show me what is lurking beneath the surface of my heart. Those things that I am embarrassed to show anyone; frankly, I’m too embarrassed to view them myself. But as each part of what I thought was my life has been stripped away, I have found ugliness hiding in the shadowplaces. Anger, rage, bitterness, fear—all reared their replusive heads as my world began to shake and crumble. With each new issue, some other sinful attitude displayed itself, and I repented as I saw it. How could I have so much still there?

But they just keep coming, one after another. So many issues, so many attitudes and emotions. Then I watched a video of “Wednesdays with Beth Moore” today. She said at one point that everything comes back to faith, and that God cares more about our faith than our righteous acts. Often we are confused about feeling like we are back to Faith 101 class in our lives, but that is because we always come back to faith in our walk with Christ. It is part of the process that God has in place; each level of our relationship with Jesus requires a deeper level of faith. So maybe the feeling of going back to Faith 101 means that we are on the brink of a new level, a new deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus that demands that our faith be stretched, and our spiritual capacity enlarged.

This gave me hope today. I’ve felt so lost and confused, like I’ve been trying to look through a dirty window caked with mud. I can see shapes and shadows of something out there, but I can’t quite make out what it is. Now I think the point is found in Romans 4:20-22. “Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised. This is why it was credited to him as righteousness.” Beth Moore went on to say that there is always a “yet” when it comes to faith, always an opportunity to doubt. But when we choose to look beyond what we can see with our natural eyes, and focus with eyes of faith, we will not waiver in our belief of God’s promises either.

I’d like to tell you that everything is clear now, and I understand why God is taking us down this path. But that is not true. What is true, however, is that I’m more convinced than ever that God is working His character in our lives, and it is our job to cooperate with Him by choosing to believe in the promises in His word, and not what we see with our eyes. I’m searching for ways to rest in God, so my heart will not be restless.

I’m rewriting Romans 4:20-22 out on another index card, but I’m changing the pronoun from “he” (Abraham) to “she” (Judi). Want to join me in praying these promises this week, and see how God transforms our thoughts?

I’d love to hear how God is teaching you to overcome your own soul restlessness.

In pursuit of zoe,

How do you handle them coming back?

By a show of hands, how many of you have been hurt or betrayed by family or close trusted friend?

Let me guess, 100 percent of you.

Alright now what do you do when the very one that hurt you is in a position where they need you?

Yesterday at a visiting church the pastor asked us to contemplate that very question.

Follow this link for the complete story and a closing prayer.

Blessings everyone!

Dealing with jealous women in the church (and particularly with Mrs. PW Wanna Be)

One thing every pastor's wife or woman pastor encounters at some point are jealous women in the church.  This is evident by the "fishbowl" or the "glass house" that people often mention that we live in. People watch us and are sometimes envious while also being clueless about the cost of vocational ministry.

 Some think they have their jealous spirit well hidden, but it certainly isn't hidden from God and it usually isn't hidden long-term from others. The green-eyed monster has a way of exposing itself. It is amazing what people strive for out of wrong motivations.  I have seen people half kill themselves in the church striving for what seemed like very Godly things, however it was all in vain because it was motivated by a jealous heart.

After being burned numerous times, I am careful of who I place closely around me. God has  shown me it's important that I be a discerning wife, to help my husband in the same way.  Some of the greatest hurts have occurred in discovering that certain women really didn't like me at all as a person -- they were simply jockeying for position.  Their reaching out had nothing to do with loving, or serving with me -- it was simply to get to a place where they wanted to be.   

Going through these situations in the ministry has caused growth in my spiritual walk.  The key is to allow it to shape me instead of break me, and turn me into a vessel that God can use in a greater capacity.  I have also gotten glimpses of what a jealous heart "looks like." I have found that even the most seemingly spiritual of people can be dealing with a jealous heart. I myself have dealt with a jealous heart before and had to ask God to forgive me. How we need the discernment of the Holy Spirit as to what our true motives are. The bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Ecclesiastes 4:4-6 says, "Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work comes from a man's envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and striving after wind. Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind." Many people are chasing the wind. They are striving after things that mean absolutely nothing because the motivation of their hearts are wrong. 

Those of us who are pastors' wives find that some people try to get close to us because they are after our husband. Some are actually after them sexually. Others aren't about sex, their hot button is power. They want influence in the church -- they want things their way. If they can't get through to the pastor with their manipulation, they will do the next best thing -- get up close to his wife to try to get their way. If neither of these tactics work, these type of women usually turn on both the pastor and wife and become a nightmare.

Mrs. "PW Wanna Be"

I have met this lady, and apparently many of you have too.   Lots of you who email me here on the PPN evidently have her in your church!  Let me give you the profile.  I call her "Mrs. PW Wanna Be", hereafter referred to as "Mrs. PWWB".  She is a woman who probably felt called to vocational ministry and longed to be a pastor's wife herself but ended up marrying somebody else.  Her husband may be anything from an executive at a company to a construction worker, but the fact is, she's unhappy. She may have actually been called to be a pastor's wife, but she made a decision out of God's will and is now suffering for it. Such women can take their consequences out on the pastor and wife by trying to actually "be" the pastor's wife while not actually being the pastor's wife.

At a previous church we pastored, we had a Mrs. PWWB, and my husband did not see it for a long time.  He thought she was just a talented woman who wanted to do all she could to help the church.  Truth be told she was very talented and I recognized that.  I had no problem with talented women serving, in fact I welcomed it.  But I knew this woman wanted more.  She didn't just want to serve, she wanted to BE the pastor's wife.  She started requesting closed meetings with my husband.  She excluded me wherever possible.  She began dressing like me, and exhibited many more behaviors that just threw red flags up all over the place for me.   Still my husband didn't "get it".  He just thought she was a woman with a lot of talent to bless the church.

Her manipulative behavior went on for a long time and frustrated me until one Sunday morning when her true colors were revealed.  I was leading worship and my husband was seated on the front row, with my Bible and purse in the chair next to him.  It was our custom that after worship I would come back down to sit by him while another staffer did the announcements and offering.  While I was leading worship Mrs. PWWB came up to the front row.  Plenty of chairs were available elsewhere, and in fact her husband was sitting in the sanctuary with a chair available next to him.  But she didn't  want that chair, or just any chair, she wanted mine.  She moved my Bible and purse, and sat next to my husband! Larry's eyes were as big as saucers!  He was so uncomfortable and just looked at me in amazement.  With the way she came and sat by him, if one were a first time guest in the church they would have even assumed she was the pastor's wife!  And that's exactly what she wanted.  From that day on, he put up his guard with Mrs. PWWB.  As you can imagine she didn't like his new boundaries. Things imploded and she did everything she could do to destroy him.  (It didn't work, but it was one of the most stressful periods of our ministry.)

Mrs. PWWB is in total misery deep inside. The fact that Jimmy or Bobby works at GM, IBM or as a local policeman is not enough for her.  It doesn't matter how successful her husband is at his very respectable job, because this is not the role she wants him to have.

She fantasizes over what it would be like to be you. You will sometimes find her endeavoring to dress like you, do various tasks that you do in the church, and get as up close to your husband as possible. She will come to you and say, "I was in prayer and the Lord told me you have too much on you and I need to take some of these responsibilities."   This would be great if it were for the right reasons.  You probably are overwhelmed and need someone to help, but unfortunately Mrs. PWWB is not the person for the job.

She will go through a lot of inner turmoil that her husband isn't a pastor.  At some point, if Mrs. PWWB's husband is a believer, she has tried to talk him into going to Bible College or pushed him to pursue ministerial credentials of some kind.  If he does not follow through with this she will be very frustrated. She believes that for her to get where she wants to be, he needs to do this. Typically, Mrs. PWWB's husband is marginally involved, and he doesn't crave the spotlight like she does. He could take it or leave it. But she lives for it. Remember, that's part of the problem to begin with.

If Mrs. PWWB's husband is not a Christian, she is jealous of you all the more because you have what she currently doesn't-- a Godly man. Some of the greatest critics you may have  are those who do not have strong marriages. For whatever reason, these tend to be some of the most critical people in the church.  Mrs.PWWB usually has a husband who is generally very laid back and not real leadership material.  And she hates you for it.  Yes, I know this sounds more like a Lifetime movie than a church situation, but many pastors' wives can tell you this stuff is REAL!

Mrs. PWWB may talk to you about these feelings of wanting to be in full time vocational ministry or she may not. She may open up about her difficult marriage or she may not.  She may talk to you about trying to get her husband to go through ministry training or she may not.  The nuts and bolts of these situations vary, but one things remains the same -- either way it is equally painful. The bottom line is, you are in a position she wants. Sooner or later it will start to show as she starts to kick up against you. It might be ever so slightly at first, but things escalate. In time, Mrs. PWWB will become your greatest critic and if your husband doesn't respond to her favorably, she will also become his. First she will try to divide you. If that doesn't work, she will come against you both. Incidentally, most "Mrs. PW Wanna Be's" don't go to churches of 500 or 1,000 and try this.  They usually show up in a church of 200 or less. The reason for this is because it's harder to get in  like she wants to in a larger church, and it takes longer. Smaller churches need more help, and typically struggle to get faithful workers, and Mrs. PWWB  is much more attractive as a worker in these smaller settings.  These type of women are usually very strong workers in the church, with type "A" personalities, who in the beginning are seen as God's answer to prayer.

Mrs. PWWB has been responsible for many forced resignations of pastors.  A male pastor is often fooled by these women because especially in the beginning they do not look like trouble. Most of them masquerade as polished professionals. They are ultra-talented,  appear spiritual will burn the midnight oil at the church if this is what it takes to get the job done.  They will have gifts that will be greatly utilized by your church, but the only problem is -- it will cost you far more than you want to pay. Most pastors crave  workers so much they will often accept an ill motivated Mrs. PWWB  just to fill the slots, simply because she can fill a ministry slot and do it quite well. Only she just doesn't want any slot or position -- she wants YOURS. She will never be satisfied with the amount of power and leadership your husband gives her. She will continue the "push" until he releases more. It will often be too late before the pastor realizes, he's simply been eating out of the palm of this woman's hand.   Unfortunately he discovers too late that he has been nibbling on poison.

I encourage you to read the story of Korah, Dathan and Abiram in Numbers 16. In this chapter, these three men came against Moses and Aaron and basically said (in verse 3 but I'm using my own paraphrase here)…"who are you guys to set yourself above us? Aren't we anointed? Can't you put us in position to do what you're doing?" Basically these three guys were eaten up with jealousy towards Moses and Aaron. They really didn't care about ministry or changing lives, they just wanted a position. Go on and read the whole chapter and you will see some other very ridiculous statements that these three guys made, again, completely motivated by a jealous heart.

Jealousy is a sin that is completely ruthless when you get right down to it. Look at most murder cases and you will find that they were motivated by a jealous heart. Proverbs 27:4 says, "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood. But who can stand before jealousy?"

In fact, you will see in scripture that jealousy was the motive for the first murder, in Genesis 4!!! Yes, jealousy is a cruel, cruel thing. "Jealousy is as cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

We see jealousy with women in scripture too. The story of Rachel and Leah in Genesis 30 shows us some specific things that women deal with. These two sisters were dealing with the bondages of low self esteem and lack of security, as well as intense envy. Rachel declared, "With mighty wrestlings, I have wrestled with my sister." These ladies basically had a cat-fight. A jealous wrestling match! We see through them that jealousy causes women to be driven to possess objects that other women have, to gain their security in their performance instead of being secure in Christ, and to gain security from other people's opinions of them.

It's not just the pastor's wife or woman pastor that women will be jealous of. They are jealous of anyone that God is utilizing in an "up front" way. I have seen women completely eaten up with envy at new or unlikely people that God is using. They think, "why did THEY get the choir solo?" or "Why is the pastor asking THEM to head that ministry?" or "Why is the pastor's son interested in dating that girl and not my daughter? The bible says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. How true. Even Jesus knew what it was like to be the new and unlikely person that God was using that everybody was jealous of!  Pilate had a clue as to why the religious leaders wanted Jesus dead. He said to them, "who do you want me to release? Barabbas or Jesus?" Who did they pick? Barabbas. Scripture makes the reason clear. Matthew 27:17,18 says, "Pilate said to them, who do you want me to release for you? Barabbas or Jesus, who is called the Christ? For he knew that because of envy they had delivered Him up." Now I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to be aligned with those who chose Barabbas over Jesus! (But that's exactly what  people do when they allow a jealous spirit to grip their heart!)

A few things I encourage you to do:

Ask God to show you who you are in Him, and ask Him to do the same with the women of your church.

This means seeing ourselves as God sees us -- no more, but no less either! We are "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) and have no reason to envy another. We must rejoice in our uniqueness and the fact that we are His daughters.  The sky is the limit, in all our lives.  Women in the church need to realize that although they may not be called to be the pastor's wife, or a full time woman minister, they have a valuable place in the Kingdom of God. For Mrs. PWWB, this is a very difficult thing. You will not accomplish it just by loving on her, or teaching her.  It will take prayer and fasting for this woman because what is needed is deliverance, not training.

Rejoice in God's blessing on others.

We must rejoice when good things happen for other people, and we must teach our people the same. What we make happen for others, God makes happen for us.  The women of our churches need to hear this biblical teaching on regular occasions. Are we teaching our ladies to be happy when other women move into new homes, re-decorate them, buy new cars, have babies, become financially blessed, grow in ministry and influence, etc.? We live in a world where women are eaten up by envy. We need to teach women that instead of being envious, they need to be excited for others who are blessed.

Determine to get to the bottom of any issues of insecurity and fear in your walk with God. Teach the women of your church about this as well.

Recognize that if people have a problem seeing other people blessed,, they own the problem, not the person being blessed. Perhaps we think that God's love is greater for that person because they are receiving a blessing. This is a false belief that we must deal with in your spiritual walk. Psalm 49:16 says, "Do not be afraid when a man becomes rich, when the glory of his house is increased." When we wrestle with this all the time, we need to get a greater glimpse of God's love for us, and develop more security in your relationship with Him. I'm convinced if most people just understood God's everlasting love, their lives would be radically changed just from this one thing being resolved in their lives. 

Some of you may say, "Well Deanna, that's great but it seems I'm always the one people are jealous of, not the other way around." I understand that too.  When I first started in ministry I was puzzled by jealous people, because it didn't take me long to realize how challenging the ministry is and how much you have to sacrifice.  I couldn't believe that women were somehow jealous of me. I thought, "do these people understand how hard my life is at times? Do they not understand what they would be giving up, or the pain they would go through to be in my shoes?"  The truth is that many people are jealous of others because they only see the blessings in others' lives, not the sacrifices they have made.  Yes, there are advantages to leadership but there are also huge sacrifices that many never see. The fact is, is Mrs. PWWB had your life or mine she'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

 Do not shrink back from your calling because of jealous women.

You are a leader, placed by God.   If you shrink back, you will not be in position to speak to these issues with authority.  Yes, you speak it in love, but you speak it. If you abdicate your position, even if only for a season, somebody (probably Mrs. PWWB)  will step up and rise to the occasion. Where there is a gap in leadership, SOMEBODY fills it. If you shrink back in fear, or even exhaustion - she will step up and then it will be even more difficult to get your influence back.  You must stand.

Second, don't be led by fear. I know it can be difficult when you are dealing with a power-hungry, manipulative woman.  It gets tiring.  Besides that she's not the only thing you're dealing with!  You have so much on your plate as a pastor's wife!  Sometimes you wanna give up and say, "Okay, so you want my life?  Here, try it for a while!" BAD IDEA.

Plenty of scenarios probably go through your head of what could happen when you think about confronting them, or correcting them. But you must not be fearful. The Word says that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!!!  If you are a pastor's wife consider that you and your husband are the church's spiritual parents. Parenting is not easy sometimes, in fact it's flat out difficult. Nobody ever said this role was for wimps.   Be loving, but be FIRM.

Third, keep a close watch on your husband. He doesn't always see this type of woman for what she is until it's too late. When Mrs. PWWB showed up there were probably things you really needed her for in the church and your husband was excited about it.  It's devastating to him when he realizes the person he thought was such a gift to the ministry is actually dangerous.


The most important thing is to pray your husband through this, and ask the Holy Spirit to show him quickly about women who have these tendencies.  Keep good communication, prayer, and a healthy sex life with your husband. Keep the lines of communication open so that he is receptive to that which you discern. A man of God is much more susceptible to these dangerous type of women when the relationship with his wife is not strong in these areas.

We must be women of prayer. This more than anything else is what helps when dealing with jealous women in the church. The Bible says that some things only happen through prayer and fasting. It takes more than just a hug here and there or some lessons on leadership to deal with jealous church women. It takes a woman of faith who will stand in prayer for her husband and church. And, someone who is not afraid to lead once she has heard from God.