I sat in shock as I read the letter...

A few days ago I was contacted on Facebook by a pastor’s wife who asked if we could meet for coffee. I have met this lady a couple of times before, but I wouldn’t say we are friends, or even associates; but I know that her oldest child is getting married in a few days, and thought maybe she needed someone to just listen to her vent. I was completely unprepared for what she told me.

She began by asking me to read a letter she had received from her husband just a few days before Christmas. Within the first paragraph, I was angry; by the time I made it through to page six, I was in disbelief. I don’t believe I have ever read a more arrogant, brutal, and twisted use of the Bible to manipulate another believer.

This man of God gave a detailed list of the things he thought she had done wrong over the course of their 30 years together, everything from being impatient with their children, to not attending correctly to his physical needs. He claimed that he could no longer justify being married to a woman who not only could never be his spiritual or emotional helpmate, but now he doubted her very salvation.

He wrote that to anyone who might criticize his decision to end their marriage, he would detail the many years he had suffered in silence as she ignored his various needs, and how he deserved to be happy and fulfilled. He ended the letter by saying that he had been a brilliant example of a Christ-like husband, father and pastor, and what a pity it was that she couldn’t realize what a gift he was.

Anyone else out there saying, WHAT??? Are you kidding? Sadly, he was not. He neglected to mention the years she worked to put him through college and then seminary, the years that she worked fulltime as he pastored small churches and didn’t have a real paycheck, the years when he worked 120+ hours at the church and she raised their children alone. He blamed her for the church not being successful, writing that it is because she was not an example of Godliness that the women of the church could look to as a leader.

She told me that she can be impatient with her children, but she has asked her children to forgive her and asked God to help her to see what is causing her frustration at home. (I chose to not tell her who the source of the frustration really was.) She told me that they have been to several counselors, and she has changed all of the things that her husband told her must change. But he isn’t satisfied, and she doesn’t know what to do.

As I held her hand and desperately prayed that God would guide and temper my response, I was reminded of the parable Jesus tells in Luke 18 of two men coming into the temple, and their totally different responses to God and their own righteousness—their “rightness” before God. The Pharisee stood before God, confident in who he was, and detailed to God all of the things he did to be a holy man. The tax collector on the other hand stood afar, asking God to forgive him for being a sinner. Jesus gives this epitaph of the entire scene, “I tell you that this man, rather than the [Pharisee], went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

I talked to her about personal healing, about allowing the Holy Spirit to heal her broken heart completely, and that no matter what her husband chooses to do, she has to realize who God says she is.

But as I tried to encourage this broken woman of God, God spoke to my heart too. How easy it is as ministry leaders to fall into the trap of self-righteousness, to see ourselves as more together than the ones who come to us for help and guidance. How often do I forget how broken I was when Jesus found me, and how patient and merciful God was as He healed my broken spirit? Do I see myself as more worthy of God’s blessings because I’m a leader of a ministry, or do I remember that it is only because of His grace to I am able to do ANYTHING, let alone lead.

Sisters, if you are trapped in a relationship with a man who emotionally and mentally abuses you like my new friend is, please reach out to other pastor’s wives. Let us minister to you, remind you of your incredible worth to God and the Kingdom, and pray with you for God’s intervention. No one knows the depth of pain you are experiencing like another pastor’s wife.

If you are blessed to be in a marriage with a man who loves you and appreciates your many gifts and talents, take a moment and thank God and your husband. Ministry is a big enough battle—we can’t allow ourselves to be used by the enemy to abuse the one we vowed before God to love.

Marriage is difficult; we don’t always like the one we have committed to. There are seasons to every relationship, but each of us must work at loving each other, and allowing God to continually change us to be more like Christ. But we cannot allow someone else to tell us what that change should look like. God wants us to see ourselves through His eyes, not anyone else’s eyes.

Be encouraged, dear sister! No matter what your struggle is today, no matter how deep the wound in your heart, please know that you are seen and understood (Ps. 139), and you are dearly loved (1 John 4:7-12, 16). “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the Gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:3-6)