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Dealing with jealous women in the church
(and particularly with Mrs. PW Wanna Be)

One thing every pastor's wife or woman pastor encounters at some point are jealous women in the church.  This is evident by the "fishbowl" or the "glass house" that people often mention that we live in. People watch us and are sometimes envious while also being clueless about the cost of vocational ministry.

 Some think they have their jealous spirit well hidden, but it certainly isn't hidden from God and it usually isn't hidden long-term from others. The green-eyed monster has a way of exposing itself. It is amazing what people strive for out of wrong motivations.  I have seen people half kill themselves in the church striving for what seemed like very Godly things, however it was all in vain because it was motivated by a jealous heart.

After being burned numerous times, I am careful of who I place closely around me. God has  shown me it's important that I be a discerning wife, to help my husband in the same way.  Some of the greatest hurts have occurred in discovering that certain women really didn't like me at all as a person -- they were simply jockeying for position.  Their reaching out had nothing to do with loving, or serving with me -- it was simply to get to a place where they wanted to be.   

Going through these situations in the ministry has caused growth in my spiritual walk.  The key is to allow it to shape me instead of break me, and turn me into a vessel that God can use in a greater capacity.  I have also gotten glimpses of what a jealous heart "looks like." I have found that even the most seemingly spiritual of people can be dealing with a jealous heart. I myself have dealt with a jealous heart before and had to ask God to forgive me. How we need the discernment of the Holy Spirit as to what our true motives are. The bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Ecclesiastes 4:4-6 says, "Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work comes from a man's envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and striving after wind. Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind." Many people are chasing the wind. They are striving after things that mean absolutely nothing because the motivation of their hearts are wrong. 

Those of us who are pastors' wives find that some people try to get close to us because they are after our husband. Some are actually after them sexually. Others aren't about sex, their hot button is power. They want influence in the church -- they want things their way. If they can't get through to the pastor with their manipulation, they will do the next best thing -- get up close to his wife to try to get their way. If neither of these tactics work, these type of women usually turn on both the pastor and wife and become a nightmare.

Mrs. "PW Wanna Be"

I have met this lady, and apparently many of you have too.   Lots of you who email me here on the PPN evidently have her in your church!  Let me give you the profile.  I call her "Mrs. PW Wanna Be", hereafter referred to as "Mrs. PWWB".  She is a woman who probably felt called to vocational ministry and longed to be a pastor's wife herself but ended up marrying somebody else.  Her husband may be anything from an executive at a company to a construction worker, but the fact is, she's unhappy. She may have actually been called to be a pastor's wife, but she made a decision out of God's will and is now suffering for it. Such women can take their consequences out on the pastor and wife by trying to actually "be" the pastor's wife while not actually being the pastor's wife.

At a previous church we pastored, we had a Mrs. PWWB, and my husband did not see it for a long time.  He thought she was just a talented woman who wanted to do all she could to help the church.  Truth be told she was very talented and I recognized that.  I had no problem with talented women serving, in fact I welcomed it.  But I knew this woman wanted more.  She didn't just want to serve, she wanted to BE the pastor's wife.  She started requesting closed meetings with my husband.  She excluded me wherever possible.  She began dressing like me, and exhibited many more behaviors that just threw red flags up all over the place for me.   Still my husband didn't "get it".  He just thought she was a woman with a lot of talent to bless the church.

Her manipulative behavior went on for a long time and frustrated me until one Sunday morning when her true colors were revealed.  I was leading worship and my husband was seated on the front row, with my Bible and purse in the chair next to him.  It was our custom that after worship I would come back down to sit by him while another staffer did the announcements and offering.  While I was leading worship Mrs. PWWB came up to the front row.  Plenty of chairs were available elsewhere, and in fact her husband was sitting in the sanctuary with a chair available next to him.  But she didn't  want that chair, or just any chair, she wanted mine.  She moved my Bible and purse, and sat next to my husband! Larry's eyes were as big as saucers!  He was so uncomfortable and just looked at me in amazement.  With the way she came and sat by him, if one were a first time guest in the church they would have even assumed she was the pastor's wife!  And that's exactly what she wanted.  From that day on, he put up his guard with Mrs. PWWB.  As you can imagine she didn't like his new boundaries. Things imploded and she did everything she could do to destroy him.  (It didn't work, but it was one of the most stressful periods of our ministry.)

Mrs. PWWB is in total misery deep inside. The fact that Jimmy or Bobby works at GM, IBM or as a local policeman is not enough for her.  It doesn't matter how successful her husband is at his very respectable job, because this is not the role she wants him to have.

She fantasizes over what it would be like to be you. You will sometimes find her endeavoring to dress like you, do various tasks that you do in the church, and get as up close to your husband as possible. She will come to you and say, "I was in prayer and the Lord told me you have too much on you and I need to take some of these responsibilities."   This would be great if it were for the right reasons.  You probably are overwhelmed and need someone to help, but unfortunately Mrs. PWWB is not the person for the job.

She will go through a lot of inner turmoil that her husband isn't a pastor.  At some point, if Mrs. PWWB's husband is a believer, she has tried to talk him into going to Bible College or pushed him to pursue ministerial credentials of some kind.  If he does not follow through with this she will be very frustrated. She believes that for her to get where she wants to be, he needs to do this. Typically, Mrs. PWWB's husband is marginally involved, and he doesn't crave the spotlight like she does. He could take it or leave it. But she lives for it. Remember, that's part of the problem to begin with.

If Mrs. PWWB's husband is not a Christian, she is jealous of you all the more because you have what she currently doesn't-- a Godly man. Some of the greatest critics you may have  are those who do not have strong marriages. For whatever reason, these tend to be some of the most critical people in the church.  Mrs.PWWB usually has a husband who is generally very laid back and not real leadership material.  And she hates you for it.  Yes, I know this sounds more like a Lifetime movie than a church situation, but many pastors' wives can tell you this stuff is REAL!

Mrs. PWWB may talk to you about these feelings of wanting to be in full time vocational ministry or she may not. She may open up about her difficult marriage or she may not.  She may talk to you about trying to get her husband to go through ministry training or she may not.  The nuts and bolts of these situations vary, but one things remains the same -- either way it is equally painful. The bottom line is, you are in a position she wants. Sooner or later it will start to show as she starts to kick up against you. It might be ever so slightly at first, but things escalate. In time, Mrs. PWWB will become your greatest critic and if your husband doesn't respond to her favorably, she will also become his. First she will try to divide you. If that doesn't work, she will come against you both. Incidentally, most "Mrs. PW Wanna Be's" don't go to churches of 500 or 1,000 and try this.  They usually show up in a church of 200 or less. The reason for this is because it's harder to get in  like she wants to in a larger church, and it takes longer. Smaller churches need more help, and typically struggle to get faithful workers, and Mrs. PWWB  is much more attractive as a worker in these smaller settings.  These type of women are usually very strong workers in the church, with type "A" personalities, who in the beginning are seen as God's answer to prayer.

Mrs. PWWB has been responsible for many forced resignations of pastors.  A male pastor is often fooled by these women because especially in the beginning they do not look like trouble. Most of them masquerade as polished professionals. They are ultra-talented,  appear spiritual will burn the midnight oil at the church if this is what it takes to get the job done.  They will have gifts that will be greatly utilized by your church, but the only problem is -- it will cost you far more than you want to pay. Most pastors crave  workers so much they will often accept an ill motivated Mrs. PWWB  just to fill the slots, simply because she can fill a ministry slot and do it quite well. Only she just doesn't want any slot or position -- she wants YOURS. She will never be satisfied with the amount of power and leadership your husband gives her. She will continue the "push" until he releases more. It will often be too late before the pastor realizes, he's simply been eating out of the palm of this woman's hand.   Unfortunately he discovers too late that he has been nibbling on poison.

I encourage you to read the story of Korah, Dathan and Abiram in Numbers 16. In this chapter, these three men came against Moses and Aaron and basically said (in verse 3 but I'm using my own paraphrase here)…"who are you guys to set yourself above us? Aren't we anointed? Can't you put us in position to do what you're doing?" Basically these three guys were eaten up with jealousy towards Moses and Aaron. They really didn't care about ministry or changing lives, they just wanted a position. Go on and read the whole chapter and you will see some other very ridiculous statements that these three guys made, again, completely motivated by a jealous heart.

Jealousy is a sin that is completely ruthless when you get right down to it. Look at most murder cases and you will find that they were motivated by a jealous heart. Proverbs 27:4 says, "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood. But who can stand before jealousy?"

In fact, you will see in scripture that jealousy was the motive for the first murder, in Genesis 4!!! Yes, jealousy is a cruel, cruel thing. "Jealousy is as cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

We see jealousy with women in scripture too. The story of Rachel and Leah in Genesis 30 shows us some specific things that women deal with. These two sisters were dealing with the bondages of low self esteem and lack of security, as well as intense envy. Rachel declared, "With mighty wrestlings, I have wrestled with my sister." These ladies basically had a cat-fight. A jealous wrestling match! We see through them that jealousy causes women to be driven to possess objects that other women have, to gain their security in their performance instead of being secure in Christ, and to gain security from other people's opinions of them.

It's not just the pastor's wife or woman pastor that women will be jealous of. They are jealous of anyone that God is utilizing in an "up front" way. I have seen women completely eaten up with envy at new or unlikely people that God is using. They think, "why did THEY get the choir solo?" or "Why is the pastor asking THEM to head that ministry?" or "Why is the pastor's son interested in dating that girl and not my daughter? The bible says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. How true. Even Jesus knew what it was like to be the new and unlikely person that God was using that everybody was jealous of!  Pilate had a clue as to why the religious leaders wanted Jesus dead. He said to them, "who do you want me to release? Barabbas or Jesus?" Who did they pick? Barabbas. Scripture makes the reason clear. Matthew 27:17,18 says, "Pilate said to them, who do you want me to release for you? Barabbas or Jesus, who is called the Christ? For he knew that because of envy they had delivered Him up." Now I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to be aligned with those who chose Barabbas over Jesus! (But that's exactly what  people do when they allow a jealous spirit to grip their heart!)

A few things I encourage you to do:

Ask God to show you who you are in Him, and ask Him to do the same with the women of your church.

This means seeing ourselves as God sees us -- no more, but no less either! We are "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) and have no reason to envy another. We must rejoice in our uniqueness and the fact that we are His daughters.  The sky is the limit, in all our lives.  Women in the church need to realize that although they may not be called to be the pastor's wife, or a full time woman minister, they have a valuable place in the Kingdom of God. For Mrs. PWWB, this is a very difficult thing. You will not accomplish it just by loving on her, or teaching her.  It will take prayer and fasting for this woman because what is needed is deliverance, not training.

Rejoice in God's blessing on others.

We must rejoice when good things happen for other people, and we must teach our people the same. What we make happen for others, God makes happen for us.  The women of our churches need to hear this biblical teaching on regular occasions. Are we teaching our ladies to be happy when other women move into new homes, re-decorate them, buy new cars, have babies, become financially blessed, grow in ministry and influence, etc.? We live in a world where women are eaten up by envy. We need to teach women that instead of being envious, they need to be excited for others who are blessed.

Determine to get to the bottom of any issues of insecurity and fear in your walk with God. Teach the women of your church about this as well.

Recognize that if people have a problem seeing other people blessed,, they own the problem, not the person being blessed. Perhaps we think that God's love is greater for that person because they are receiving a blessing. This is a false belief that we must deal with in your spiritual walk. Psalm 49:16 says, "Do not be afraid when a man becomes rich, when the glory of his house is increased." When we wrestle with this all the time, we need to get a greater glimpse of God's love for us, and develop more security in your relationship with Him. I'm convinced if most people just understood God's everlasting love, their lives would be radically changed just from this one thing being resolved in their lives. 

Some of you may say, "Well Deanna, that's great but it seems I'm always the one people are jealous of, not the other way around." I understand that too.  When I first started in ministry I was puzzled by jealous people, because it didn't take me long to realize how challenging the ministry is and how much you have to sacrifice.  I couldn't believe that women were somehow jealous of me. I thought, "do these people understand how hard my life is at times? Do they not understand what they would be giving up, or the pain they would go through to be in my shoes?"  The truth is that many people are jealous of others because they only see the blessings in others' lives, not the sacrifices they have made.  Yes, there are advantages to leadership but there are also huge sacrifices that many never see. The fact is, is Mrs. PWWB had your life or mine she'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

 Do not shrink back from your calling because of jealous women.

You are a leader, placed by God.   If you shrink back, you will not be in position to speak to these issues with authority.  Yes, you speak it in love, but you speak it. If you abdicate your position, even if only for a season, somebody (probably Mrs. PWWB)  will step up and rise to the occasion. Where there is a gap in leadership, SOMEBODY fills it. If you shrink back in fear, or even exhaustion - she will step up and then it will be even more difficult to get your influence back.  You must stand.

Second, don't be led by fear. I know it can be difficult when you are dealing with a power-hungry, manipulative woman.  It gets tiring.  Besides that she's not the only thing you're dealing with!  You have so much on your plate as a pastor's wife!  Sometimes you wanna give up and say, "Okay, so you want my life?  Here, try it for a while!" BAD IDEA.

Plenty of scenarios probably go through your head of what could happen when you think about confronting them, or correcting them. But you must not be fearful. The Word says that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!!!  If you are a pastor's wife consider that you and your husband are the church's spiritual parents. Parenting is not easy sometimes, in fact it's flat out difficult. Nobody ever said this role was for wimps.   Be loving, but be FIRM.

Third, keep a close watch on your husband. He doesn't always see this type of woman for what she is until it's too late. When Mrs. PWWB showed up there were probably things you really needed her for in the church and your husband was excited about it.  It's devastating to him when he realizes the person he thought was such a gift to the ministry is actually dangerous.

The most important thing is to pray your husband through this, and ask the Holy Spirit to show him quickly about women who have these tendencies.  Keep good communication, prayer, and a healthy sex life with your husband. Keep the lines of communication open so that he is receptive to that which you discern. A man of God is much more susceptible to these dangerous type of women when the relationship with his wife is not strong in these areas.
We must be women of prayer. This more than anything else is what helps when dealing with jealous women in the church. The Bible says that some things only happen through prayer and fasting. It takes more than just a hug here and there or some lessons on leadership to deal with jealous church women. It takes a woman of faith who will stand in prayer for her husband and church. And, someone who is not afraid to lead once she has heard from God.


Pastor Keith Jones said...

WOW! Deanna, thanks so much for this powerful word.

Lynn Smith said...

great word Deanna - we've had (and still have) this lady in our churches through the years! One was bold enough to tell me she prayed I'd die. My God given discernment works pretty good to recognize this character after 35 years of practice. Although, every time it still hurts my heart.

Deanna Shrodes said...

Thanks Keith! I appreciate you reading and taking time to comment.

Lynn, how pathetic that this is not the first time I've heard about someone hoping/praying a PW would die. Would you believe someone actually had the nerve to call my mother in law and tell her they had a prophetic dream that I died and their daughter and my husband were going to pastor our church together? My MIL said, "don't ever call here again!"

Another PW here on the message boards shared a while back (and just posted something today)about a lady in their church asking her husband if he would marry her if his wife (the PW) died!!!

This kind of crazy stuff happens more than people think. And you are right even after all these years it still hurts your heart when it happens.

Anonymous said...

Amazing! What really hit home, I's when you said if they were to live in your shoes they'd go crazy and that's the truth! Love covers a multitude of sins but God also said watch and pray and more importantly; like a sparrow! Today we have to be vigilant pertaining to our family and what God has entrusted us with! A wise woman builds her house and God structured it to where we are to be the help no matter what transpires.

These Women will have to give an account and with that being said we should always fixate on setting our faces like a flint. Everything I's a test; to build our character and most importantly how we will react to the issues He
allows to happen because He I's God! Everything I's for His glory! Be strong in the Lord and in the Power of His Might! It'll be a testament for someone else!

Anonymous said...

Answer this question for me anyone! What if you are a Pastors wife and He said God told him not to have her involved in anything but he surrounds himself with other woman to do the job and told his wife that it's easier for him to work with women then men because Men have a take over spirit and heads would collide where as women don't and they will do anything the Paator says! I feel so bad for this lady! It's almost like the husband wants her to be seen and not heard! Your take pls.. What should she do? And what should I tell her?

Deanna Shrodes said...

Anonymous - your post really concerns me. I believe this man has serious issues. He needs counseling, possibly deliverance, and I would bet my bottom dollar he has some issues in the closet that nobody knows about.

More than anything this pastor's wife needs a loyal supporter - somebody who would stand by her come what may - somebody who will keep her confidence at all cost. She needs an advocate. The best thing you can do is first of all, be loyal NO MATTER WHAT.

The second thing you can do is, give her a safe place. Without judgment.

Keep a watchful eye for anything dangerous. I wouldn't rule out that she might even be abused in some other way. Please watch out for her.

Nobody is standing in line to take care of her. Please be the one.

Anonymous said...

wow!!!!i am literially in tears..because im going through a similar situation..but the only thing is my pastor and are dating,and were on the runway for marriage..he didnt introduce me as his girlfriend at first, to the congregation..but when he did, all hell broke loose..one paticular woman literially stop speaking to me..i told my fiance that she likes him...and she dont like me..because of you..she wants you...and she does all she can to get his attention..follows him around church..she wants me out the picture..she wants him..and would do anything she can to move me out the way!!!it hurts..i just wanna stop going to church!!!i dont want to hate her..but i know thats what shes trying to do..he says shes not,but i know better, and i know women..because i am a woman..

Deanna Shrodes said...

Anonymous, I am so sorry you are going through this! I encourage you to come to the message boards here on PPN and talk whenever you need a listening ear and the wisdom of the women who gather here. In your situation it's hard to find women you can trust. All that DRAMA! Whew! Please know we are here for you and we are praying.

Anonymous said...

I have a question. I'm not a pastor's wife but I have issues with the pastor's wife at my church. My pastor's wife and I were friends before she got married and I remember her being this humble, caring person to everyone. Now that she is married, she hardly looks at me and only greets me and walks away or pretends I'm not even there. She also only talks to me when its something that has to do with church activities and with this annoying authority as if to rub it in my face that she is in charge. I have started this drama and dance ministry at our church with our young people (which is my calling) and whenver we are practising drama she would stand by and watch closely and make comments about what she likes and what she doesnt like about the drama or what she thinks would be best even when I did not ask for her advise. I really feel annoyed and hurt by this. For instance there was a song we were practising for the dance and she called me aside just to tell me that she and her husband did not like the song we were dancing to because it did not sound "christian-like". Since then,I have started to resent her and avoid her altogether. And just for the record, I'm not after her husband neither do I dream of her position so this has nothing to do with jealously, in fact, I have my own boyfriend whom I'm head over heels in love with. I'm a very humble person who is not power hungry but I tend to be resentful whenver someone is rubbing it in my face that they are superior than I'm. I simply miss the humble and caring person she once was before she got married and do not like this authoritative and bossy person she has turned into because it makes me feel invinsible and belittled and I really feel hurt especially knowing that I used to support her when she and our pastor where still engaged. I have even thought of moving to another church. Some advise would come in handy on how to address this problem without looking like I'm jealous because everyone at church seems to adore her but me. I have tried praying about this but these feelings just wont go away. Help!

Deanna Shrodes said...

Anonymous, I just noticed this comment here since it's been a while since the post. Sorry for not commenting sooner.

My thought on this is that transitioning to the role of pastor's wife can be difficult. Already being in the church and transitioning is even harder in many respects. Your pastor's wife's role is not the same as it once was and it will take her a while to adjust. I would encourage you to pray for her and give her the freedom to find her way without expectation.

Anonymous said...

hi deaana, i wrote on this forum awhile back.. at the time i was just dating my minister... now we are recently married..and i remember the problems i was having in church with a sister in christ concerning jealousy..now that my husband and I are married..this sister dont speak to me at all now..i mean she barely spoke 2 words to me before..and now she really dont say anything to me..she avoids me.. she never told me congrats on the wedding...when my husband and i were passing out invites to the wedding.. she flat out told him she wasnt coming..she came up with this lame excuse about she had to work... which he and I knew she was lying because..when she first got that job she said she would be off every sunday....she has even stopped speaking to my husband..and now he realizes that was her motive...but when we were dating i tried to tell him.. that sister liked and wanted him..he didnt believe me..now he see with his own eyes

FresHope Ministries said...

Hello Pastor Deanna,
I wrote an article for CALLED magazine called 'Jealousy In The Pew" because it has been the women of the church, (sad to say) that has most often brought the deepest pain and resistance.
The great thing about all of this I believe, is learning and then growing in confidence of who God has called us to be No Matter what others say. Love you dear friend!

Anonymous said...

you know, i noticed the advice you give to the woman who is having problem with her pastor wife, and frankly, i feel the advice you gave her was really disapointing.

i seems to me that her pastor wife is doing more than just ignore her ( which i guess could be due to her difficulty with transitioning)

she ( the pastor wife) is actually making comments that are hurtful to this woman.

i have been in church for while, and i appreciate it is human nature for us all to see things from our own perspective and want to have our needs met , rather than trying to look at things from others perspective and trying to be fair to the other person.

and i think pastors and pastors wife are no diff.

i noticed in my years at church, every single time a pastor or pastor wife hear about mistreatment of other members of congregations, they would immediately make excuses for those pastor and pastors wife behaviors, and basically tell those being mistreated to act like doormat and say nothing and continue to let their pastor and pastor wife to treat them that way indefinitely.

of course they would never say it overtly like that, because that would just be plain wrong.

instead they would always say in the name of "understanding" "love" so on and so forth.

for example, i remember years ago i was bullied by the deputy pastor at my church, and the pastor and pastor wife just stood by and watched and even supported her ( they knew that woman is tough, and it is much wiser for them to throw in their lot with her).

and to this day, no apology was ever given.

the closest thing i have received was from Pastor wife, who basically said to me that "no one is perfect, pastor has their weakness too", in a way that suggest that if that happens again, i should just be " understanding" and let her do it to me.

The pastor wife did not say anything along the lines of she and her husband or that woman has sinned. or they should offer me an apology, or better yet, express no interest in changing their behaviors.

just that i need to be more " understanding" or is it that i should allow myself to be their doormat?

or i have noticed many pastors usually want people to be understanding and forgiving towards them, yet when the offense is commited against them, they immediately bring out this whole " i am not here to be treated like crap" rationale?

doesnt the scripture say something about the same measure we use on someone else, Goe also will use the same measure to give it to us?

so by implication, you pastor and pastor wife have no right to expect understanding and tolerance if you yourself are not willing to give it out, correct?

or do you think it is perfectly ok to have this double standard when interact with your congregation, the so called "generous on oneself, and tough on others" approach?

btw feel free to censor this comment, i have seen this on way too many christian blogs, they do not allow any opposing opinions, which says more about themselves than anything, i am afraid.

as for that female poster.

my advice to her would be to have a talk with her pastors wife.

she should be firm but calm, letting the pastors wife know what she is doing that is hurtful to her, and ask her politely to cut it out.

if the pastor wife refuse, or worse still get aggressive.

than she should simply report the pastor wife to her and her husband superior, or if they have no superior, then expose it in front of the whole church.

Deanna Shrodes said...

Anonymous, perhaps you are unaware of the focus of this site. This site is specifically targeted as a support to pastors' wives and women in ministry. I do not apologize for supporting women in the ministry. That's what this site is here to do.

As for "exposing it in front of the whole church" what is there to expose? That the pastor's wife doesn't give individual attention like she used to before she was married? That she did not attend a wedding and had the courtesy to RSVP directly and let them know she could not attend? Let me tell you, I don't attend all the showers, weddings, etc. of the people in our church. There's no way that I can. It's an unreasonable expectation to expect that the pastor's wife is going to attend something whether she works, or not. Frankly it's none of their business what she was doing, whether she had to work or not, she did not owe them an explanation. Simply, "I am unable to attend that day" is enough explanation.

It is not easy when a woman goes from being a church member to the pastor's wife. It's another role entirely and she is not a pal, buddy or just another friend anymore. Quite frankly, some people can't handle that. At times the people can't handle it, and at times the pastor's wife can't handle it. This is why a lot of times the pastor and wife move on to another church where they have never known her as anything but the PW because people who were friends prior can't handle the new role.

The pastor's wife is not out of line to speak to the group about the drama or dance ministry if her husband has asked her to do so. She is not out of line to change things or instruct them, if she and her husband feel it is necessary.

It sounds like the worse offense the commenter had against the pastor's wife was that she didn't speak to her.

Okay...the commenter herself she has become, "annoyed, "hurt", and that she "resents her and avoids her altogether". So...who is ignoring who?

Leadership tend to invest in people who are eager to grow and learn from them and move forward. I myself would not get up close to and pour into someone who was annoyed, resenting me and my authority and avoiding.

The commenter says: "but I tend to be resentful whenver someone is rubbing it in my face that they are superior than I'm. I simply miss the humble and caring person she once was before she got married and do not like this authoritative and bossy person she has turned into."

It can clearly be seen who is resentful. Guess what the pastor's wife IS her authority in the church.

She said she has thought of leaving.I don't often advocate for people leaving the church -- I believe you need to be planted to grow and flourish but the truth is, if she cannot come under the pastor and wife's authority -- she needs to move on.

I stand by my original comment.

Anonymous said...

well, i guess what, as a CHRISTIAN, that means FOLLOWER OF CHRIST.

i stood by my comment too

the reality is as a Christian, i know that truth is not subjective, it is OBJECTIVE.

it is irrelevant whether or not this site is for, it still does not change what is right or what is wrong.

the fact that it is quite clear from the poster comment that her pastor wife is the one who instigated this whole thing by being rude to her first.

and no, it does not take that much energy to say hello as oppose to attend everyone wedding etc etc, which is not what the poster was getting at.

it is common courtesy, as simple as that.

you seem to think you can use the phrase " this is a site for supporting pastors and pastor wife" as a way to justify any wrong behaviors on your fellow pastors and pastors wife behaviors

personally i find that is really concerning.

furthermore, i find your idea of of your role as a pastor wife ( who is responsible for ministering God flock) even more concerning.

as a person in ministry, you are serving God.

and it is part your JOB to minister to EVERYONE God entrusted to YOU and YOUR HUSBAND.

you seem to think you can pick and choose who you want to minister to based on your personal pref?

i do not know how to say this, but even in a laymen profession, such attitudes is completely and utterly unacceptable.

i used to work as a Nurse. and i came across all kinds of patients, some easy to deal with, other not so.

but regardless of my personal feeling towards anyone of my patients, i always KNEW it is my JOB to make sure ALL of them receive the best possible care they can get from me.

as i have professional ethics i need to abide by.

i remember my old nursing lecturers has a good way of putting it. she used to remind us when we are in our private lives, we can do what do we want. but the moment we walked onto the ward, we are bound by professional ethics and we have to behave in a way that befits the kind of integrity that are expected of those of us who works the professional

it is more so for those of you who work in Ministry.

how dissapointing to hear you seem to think you can do whatever you want in your position.

as for you pastors wife being authority over her flock?

yes, of course the pastors and pastor wife should have some authority, but ultimately you are there to serve ( i know you must really hate that word, but it is how scripture teaches it, so i wont be taking it back)

a pastor is not a CEO, and you do not get to do whatever you want just because you feel like it.

personally i think you should go back to new testament and see the kind of example Jesus set us on how to serve?

And no, just because you are pastor and pastor wife does not mean you do not have to treat people with respect.

and ignore people or giving them the cold shoulder is not respect.

and let face, i have seen too many pastor and pastor wives to know if the situation is reversed, you would not put up with it for one single second.

treat others the way you want to be treated.

you have no right to expect respect from your congregation if you dont treat them with respect.

it is saddening for me to see so many pastors and pastors wives are acting in such an unprofessional manner even by non Christians standard, how sad!

but that is ok.

God is watching.

do you really think He would let bad servants get away with their behaviors indefinitely?

feel free to censor this comment.

i dont care.

Deanna Shrodes said...

Anonymous, it's convenient for you to hide behind your cowardly anonymous cloak and throw your shots at me or at other pastors/pw's via this comment thread.

You obviously have an ax to grind when it comes to pastors and their wives. What I'm telling you is, this is not the place to take it. I was simply letting you know that the purpose of this site is to encourage women who serve as pastors and pastors' wives. This is not the place to come and air your grievances about what you perceive as their shortcomings. Are the perfect? Certainly not. No one is. But they have a challenging role to fill and this place is somewhere they can come for understanding and encouragement.

Truth is subjective in this case because you are referring to an anonymous comment on a blog post. This refers to a situation the totality of which you or I do not know. We only go by what the commenter says and have not heard from the pastor or the pastor's wife.

You are correct we are servants -- there are many aspects of the pastoral role. Servanthood is certainly important and it is also a role that carries authority which scripture speaks of. The pastors are there to lead the church as God speaks to them in the direction to take.

We do pray for wisdom and discernment on how to proceed in matters with the church and it's members. There is no way a pastor or wife can "treat everyone exactly the same". First that would be unwise and as the church grows, impossible. Even Jesus invested more in the 12 disciples than he did others. There are some you invest in or mentor more closely. this does not make you a "bad servants. On the contrary it makes one a wise and discerning leader.

I'm not going to debate you about this. The comment thread will be closed as once again, I reiterate this is a place for encouragement for women who serve in ministry, not as a place to air grievances against these servants of the Lord.

I pray that you'll be able to find healing because at the root of your comment is hurt and pain. I am not sure where in your life that originated but I pray that you can find peace, for surely all of this has affected you to a degree where you've become quite bitter and angry.