Dealing with jealous women in the church (and particularly with Mrs. PW Wanna Be)

One thing every pastor's wife or woman pastor encounters at some point are jealous women in the church.  This is evident by the "fishbowl" or the "glass house" that people often mention that we live in. People watch us and are sometimes envious while also being clueless about the cost of vocational ministry.

 Some think they have their jealous spirit well hidden, but it certainly isn't hidden from God and it usually isn't hidden long-term from others. The green-eyed monster has a way of exposing itself. It is amazing what people strive for out of wrong motivations.  I have seen people half kill themselves in the church striving for what seemed like very Godly things, however it was all in vain because it was motivated by a jealous heart.

After being burned numerous times, I am careful of who I place closely around me. God has  shown me it's important that I be a discerning wife, to help my husband in the same way.  Some of the greatest hurts have occurred in discovering that certain women really didn't like me at all as a person -- they were simply jockeying for position.  Their reaching out had nothing to do with loving, or serving with me -- it was simply to get to a place where they wanted to be.   

Going through these situations in the ministry has caused growth in my spiritual walk.  The key is to allow it to shape me instead of break me, and turn me into a vessel that God can use in a greater capacity.  I have also gotten glimpses of what a jealous heart "looks like." I have found that even the most seemingly spiritual of people can be dealing with a jealous heart. I myself have dealt with a jealous heart before and had to ask God to forgive me. How we need the discernment of the Holy Spirit as to what our true motives are. The bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Ecclesiastes 4:4-6 says, "Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work comes from a man's envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and striving after wind. Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind." Many people are chasing the wind. They are striving after things that mean absolutely nothing because the motivation of their hearts are wrong. 

Those of us who are pastors' wives find that some people try to get close to us because they are after our husband. Some are actually after them sexually. Others aren't about sex, their hot button is power. They want influence in the church -- they want things their way. If they can't get through to the pastor with their manipulation, they will do the next best thing -- get up close to his wife to try to get their way. If neither of these tactics work, these type of women usually turn on both the pastor and wife and become a nightmare.

Mrs. "PW Wanna Be"

I have met this lady, and apparently many of you have too.   Lots of you who email me here on the PPN evidently have her in your church!  Let me give you the profile.  I call her "Mrs. PW Wanna Be", hereafter referred to as "Mrs. PWWB".  She is a woman who probably felt called to vocational ministry and longed to be a pastor's wife herself but ended up marrying somebody else.  Her husband may be anything from an executive at a company to a construction worker, but the fact is, she's unhappy. She may have actually been called to be a pastor's wife, but she made a decision out of God's will and is now suffering for it. Such women can take their consequences out on the pastor and wife by trying to actually "be" the pastor's wife while not actually being the pastor's wife.


At a previous church we pastored, we had a Mrs. PWWB, and my husband did not see it for a long time.  He thought she was just a talented woman who wanted to do all she could to help the church.  Truth be told she was very talented and I recognized that.  I had no problem with talented women serving, in fact I welcomed it.  But I knew this woman wanted more.  She didn't just want to serve, she wanted to BE the pastor's wife.  She started requesting closed meetings with my husband.  She excluded me wherever possible.  She began dressing like me, and exhibited many more behaviors that just threw red flags up all over the place for me.   Still my husband didn't "get it".  He just thought she was a woman with a lot of talent to bless the church.


Her manipulative behavior went on for a long time and frustrated me until one Sunday morning when her true colors were revealed.  I was leading worship and my husband was seated on the front row, with my Bible and purse in the chair next to him.  It was our custom that after worship I would come back down to sit by him while another staffer did the announcements and offering.  While I was leading worship Mrs. PWWB came up to the front row.  Plenty of chairs were available elsewhere, and in fact her husband was sitting in the sanctuary with a chair available next to him.  But she didn't  want that chair, or just any chair, she wanted mine.  She moved my Bible and purse, and sat next to my husband! Larry's eyes were as big as saucers!  He was so uncomfortable and just looked at me in amazement.  With the way she came and sat by him, if one were a first time guest in the church they would have even assumed she was the pastor's wife!  And that's exactly what she wanted.  From that day on, he put up his guard with Mrs. PWWB.  As you can imagine she didn't like his new boundaries. Things imploded and she did everything she could do to destroy him.  (It didn't work, but it was one of the most stressful periods of our ministry.)

Mrs. PWWB is in total misery deep inside. The fact that Jimmy or Bobby works at GM, IBM or as a local policeman is not enough for her.  It doesn't matter how successful her husband is at his very respectable job, because this is not the role she wants him to have.


She fantasizes over what it would be like to be you. You will sometimes find her endeavoring to dress like you, do various tasks that you do in the church, and get as up close to your husband as possible. She will come to you and say, "I was in prayer and the Lord told me you have too much on you and I need to take some of these responsibilities."   This would be great if it were for the right reasons.  You probably are overwhelmed and need someone to help, but unfortunately Mrs. PWWB is not the person for the job.


She will go through a lot of inner turmoil that her husband isn't a pastor.  At some point, if Mrs. PWWB's husband is a believer, she has tried to talk him into going to Bible College or pushed him to pursue ministerial credentials of some kind.  If he does not follow through with this she will be very frustrated. She believes that for her to get where she wants to be, he needs to do this. Typically, Mrs. PWWB's husband is marginally involved, and he doesn't crave the spotlight like she does. He could take it or leave it. But she lives for it. Remember, that's part of the problem to begin with.


If Mrs. PWWB's husband is not a Christian, she is jealous of you all the more because you have what she currently doesn't-- a Godly man. Some of the greatest critics you may have  are those who do not have strong marriages. For whatever reason, these tend to be some of the most critical people in the church.  Mrs.PWWB usually has a husband who is generally very laid back and not real leadership material.  And she hates you for it.  Yes, I know this sounds more like a Lifetime movie than a church situation, but many pastors' wives can tell you this stuff is REAL!

Mrs. PWWB may talk to you about these feelings of wanting to be in full time vocational ministry or she may not. She may open up about her difficult marriage or she may not.  She may talk to you about trying to get her husband to go through ministry training or she may not.  The nuts and bolts of these situations vary, but one things remains the same -- either way it is equally painful. The bottom line is, you are in a position she wants. Sooner or later it will start to show as she starts to kick up against you. It might be ever so slightly at first, but things escalate. In time, Mrs. PWWB will become your greatest critic and if your husband doesn't respond to her favorably, she will also become his. First she will try to divide you. If that doesn't work, she will come against you both. Incidentally, most "Mrs. PW Wanna Be's" don't go to churches of 500 or 1,000 and try this.  They usually show up in a church of 200 or less. The reason for this is because it's harder to get in  like she wants to in a larger church, and it takes longer. Smaller churches need more help, and typically struggle to get faithful workers, and Mrs. PWWB  is much more attractive as a worker in these smaller settings.  These type of women are usually very strong workers in the church, with type "A" personalities, who in the beginning are seen as God's answer to prayer.


Mrs. PWWB has been responsible for many forced resignations of pastors.  A male pastor is often fooled by these women because especially in the beginning they do not look like trouble. Most of them masquerade as polished professionals. They are ultra-talented,  appear spiritual will burn the midnight oil at the church if this is what it takes to get the job done.  They will have gifts that will be greatly utilized by your church, but the only problem is -- it will cost you far more than you want to pay. Most pastors crave  workers so much they will often accept an ill motivated Mrs. PWWB  just to fill the slots, simply because she can fill a ministry slot and do it quite well. Only she just doesn't want any slot or position -- she wants YOURS. She will never be satisfied with the amount of power and leadership your husband gives her. She will continue the "push" until he releases more. It will often be too late before the pastor realizes, he's simply been eating out of the palm of this woman's hand.   Unfortunately he discovers too late that he has been nibbling on poison.

I encourage you to read the story of Korah, Dathan and Abiram in Numbers 16. In this chapter, these three men came against Moses and Aaron and basically said (in verse 3 but I'm using my own paraphrase here)…"who are you guys to set yourself above us? Aren't we anointed? Can't you put us in position to do what you're doing?" Basically these three guys were eaten up with jealousy towards Moses and Aaron. They really didn't care about ministry or changing lives, they just wanted a position. Go on and read the whole chapter and you will see some other very ridiculous statements that these three guys made, again, completely motivated by a jealous heart.

Jealousy is a sin that is completely ruthless when you get right down to it. Look at most murder cases and you will find that they were motivated by a jealous heart. Proverbs 27:4 says, "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood. But who can stand before jealousy?"

In fact, you will see in scripture that jealousy was the motive for the first murder, in Genesis 4!!! Yes, jealousy is a cruel, cruel thing. "Jealousy is as cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

We see jealousy with women in scripture too. The story of Rachel and Leah in Genesis 30 shows us some specific things that women deal with. These two sisters were dealing with the bondages of low self esteem and lack of security, as well as intense envy. Rachel declared, "With mighty wrestlings, I have wrestled with my sister." These ladies basically had a cat-fight. A jealous wrestling match! We see through them that jealousy causes women to be driven to possess objects that other women have, to gain their security in their performance instead of being secure in Christ, and to gain security from other people's opinions of them.

It's not just the pastor's wife or woman pastor that women will be jealous of. They are jealous of anyone that God is utilizing in an "up front" way. I have seen women completely eaten up with envy at new or unlikely people that God is using. They think, "why did THEY get the choir solo?" or "Why is the pastor asking THEM to head that ministry?" or "Why is the pastor's son interested in dating that girl and not my daughter? The bible says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun. How true. Even Jesus knew what it was like to be the new and unlikely person that God was using that everybody was jealous of!  Pilate had a clue as to why the religious leaders wanted Jesus dead. He said to them, "who do you want me to release? Barabbas or Jesus?" Who did they pick? Barabbas. Scripture makes the reason clear. Matthew 27:17,18 says, "Pilate said to them, who do you want me to release for you? Barabbas or Jesus, who is called the Christ? For he knew that because of envy they had delivered Him up." Now I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to be aligned with those who chose Barabbas over Jesus! (But that's exactly what  people do when they allow a jealous spirit to grip their heart!)

A few things I encourage you to do:

Ask God to show you who you are in Him, and ask Him to do the same with the women of your church.

This means seeing ourselves as God sees us -- no more, but no less either! We are "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139) and have no reason to envy another. We must rejoice in our uniqueness and the fact that we are His daughters.  The sky is the limit, in all our lives.  Women in the church need to realize that although they may not be called to be the pastor's wife, or a full time woman minister, they have a valuable place in the Kingdom of God. For Mrs. PWWB, this is a very difficult thing. You will not accomplish it just by loving on her, or teaching her.  It will take prayer and fasting for this woman because what is needed is deliverance, not training.

Rejoice in God's blessing on others.

We must rejoice when good things happen for other people, and we must teach our people the same. What we make happen for others, God makes happen for us.  The women of our churches need to hear this biblical teaching on regular occasions. Are we teaching our ladies to be happy when other women move into new homes, re-decorate them, buy new cars, have babies, become financially blessed, grow in ministry and influence, etc.? We live in a world where women are eaten up by envy. We need to teach women that instead of being envious, they need to be excited for others who are blessed.

Determine to get to the bottom of any issues of insecurity and fear in your walk with God. Teach the women of your church about this as well.

Recognize that if people have a problem seeing other people blessed,, they own the problem, not the person being blessed. Perhaps we think that God's love is greater for that person because they are receiving a blessing. This is a false belief that we must deal with in your spiritual walk. Psalm 49:16 says, "Do not be afraid when a man becomes rich, when the glory of his house is increased." When we wrestle with this all the time, we need to get a greater glimpse of God's love for us, and develop more security in your relationship with Him. I'm convinced if most people just understood God's everlasting love, their lives would be radically changed just from this one thing being resolved in their lives. 

Some of you may say, "Well Deanna, that's great but it seems I'm always the one people are jealous of, not the other way around." I understand that too.  When I first started in ministry I was puzzled by jealous people, because it didn't take me long to realize how challenging the ministry is and how much you have to sacrifice.  I couldn't believe that women were somehow jealous of me. I thought, "do these people understand how hard my life is at times? Do they not understand what they would be giving up, or the pain they would go through to be in my shoes?"  The truth is that many people are jealous of others because they only see the blessings in others' lives, not the sacrifices they have made.  Yes, there are advantages to leadership but there are also huge sacrifices that many never see. The fact is, is Mrs. PWWB had your life or mine she'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

 Do not shrink back from your calling because of jealous women.

You are a leader, placed by God.   If you shrink back, you will not be in position to speak to these issues with authority.  Yes, you speak it in love, but you speak it. If you abdicate your position, even if only for a season, somebody (probably Mrs. PWWB)  will step up and rise to the occasion. Where there is a gap in leadership, SOMEBODY fills it. If you shrink back in fear, or even exhaustion - she will step up and then it will be even more difficult to get your influence back.  You must stand.

Second, don't be led by fear. I know it can be difficult when you are dealing with a power-hungry, manipulative woman.  It gets tiring.  Besides that she's not the only thing you're dealing with!  You have so much on your plate as a pastor's wife!  Sometimes you wanna give up and say, "Okay, so you want my life?  Here, try it for a while!" BAD IDEA.


Plenty of scenarios probably go through your head of what could happen when you think about confronting them, or correcting them. But you must not be fearful. The Word says that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!!!  If you are a pastor's wife consider that you and your husband are the church's spiritual parents. Parenting is not easy sometimes, in fact it's flat out difficult. Nobody ever said this role was for wimps.   Be loving, but be FIRM.

Third, keep a close watch on your husband. He doesn't always see this type of woman for what she is until it's too late. When Mrs. PWWB showed up there were probably things you really needed her for in the church and your husband was excited about it.  It's devastating to him when he realizes the person he thought was such a gift to the ministry is actually dangerous.




The most important thing is to pray your husband through this, and ask the Holy Spirit to show him quickly about women who have these tendencies.  Keep good communication, prayer, and a healthy sex life with your husband. Keep the lines of communication open so that he is receptive to that which you discern. A man of God is much more susceptible to these dangerous type of women when the relationship with his wife is not strong in these areas.

We must be women of prayer. This more than anything else is what helps when dealing with jealous women in the church. The Bible says that some things only happen through prayer and fasting. It takes more than just a hug here and there or some lessons on leadership to deal with jealous church women. It takes a woman of faith who will stand in prayer for her husband and church. And, someone who is not afraid to lead once she has heard from God.